What ABCs Need

By William Eng

Many ABCs suffer from behavioral traps that produce much pain and distress. Following are a few insights from Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s book, False Assumptions: Relief from 12 “Christian” Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy, that could be applied to ABCs.

ABCs, like most human beings, have a need to bond to others. This is an essential spiritual and emotional need, for we were created as relational beings who need connection with God and others. We have a need for comfort, for a sense of belonging, for safety, caring, and purpose. ABCs, whose parents do not provide for this need of intimacy, have great difficulty trusting, being intimate with, and depending on others. As a result, they are emotionally dysfunctional and may become depressed or may even seek comfort in food rather than in the love of others.

ABCs have a need to separate from others and to take ownership of their lives. We must discover our own individual identity. We are not just our parent’s son or daughter. We must discriminate between the areas of responsibility that God has and has not assigned to us. This learning of responsibility includes global ecological stewardship as well as the personal ability to say no when another person, whether family or friend, asks you to do something when you have a true need for time for yourself. We must learn to set boundaries around our own personal domain which includes our spiritual well-being. Chinese parents, who do not allow their children to have adequate personal boundaries, often cause them to have problems saying no to requests that are too much for them to handle. They have trouble staying focused, getting organized, and controlling their lives. Some express anger very visibly, suffer a panic attack, or get depressed when they feel overwhelmed by all the people for whom they feel responsible.

This need is also why the Chinese church should allow their ABCs to assume their own personal role in decision-making in the church. Without their own set boundaries and identity, ABCs will not be able to find focus and commitment in the Chinese church.

ABCs also need to distinguish between good and bad. Besides learning how to love (bonding), and how to say no (establishing boundaries), we need to resolve the problem of good and bad. The truth is: we are imperfect people living with imperfect people in an imperfect world. We come to accept that our parents (and Chinese church leaders) are not absolute and perfect. From holding impossible ideals for ourselves and others, we move to grieving over our losses; forgiving others including our parents, siblings and people in the church; and receiving forgiveness from them as well. When we accept our sinfulness as something that draws us to Jesus, we become wise and more able to receive His grace by faith with truly thankful hearts.

Those who are injured in this third stage often struggle with perfectionism, overoptimism, denial, and shame. They cry out that life isn’t fair. The result can include bulimia or sexual addiction in which the “bad” part of a person’s character acts out sexually. From my own struggle with perfectionism I was able to move on to accepting the imperfection in me and in the people around me.

ABCs can become adults in spite of being treated like children by our parents or church elders. In this final stage a person moves from emotional childhood to emotional adulthood. God desires that we by mature – to become like the Lord Jesus, to be Christlike. We learn to take authority over what the Lord has given us: our gifts, values, careers, marriages, friendships, and callings. We do not have to depend on the approval of our Chinese parents. As emotional adults, we value their input but feel free to choose our own way in the world. As freed adults we can take on the responsibilities of committed Christians in the Chinese church.

However, ABCs who do not grow up and have been prevented from developing in the previous three stages either have problems submitting to authority, or they are overcompliant and rule-bound. Some ABCs either question authority at every turn or they never do. “They either break the rules, or they follow them to the letter. The fruit of such injuries includes obsessive-compulsive disorders, in which a person has a persistent preoccupation with an unreasonable idea (like worrying about getting fired or getting cancer) or has an irresistible impulse to perform an irrational act (like frequent hand washing).”

Many people, including ABCs, are damaged during all four stages. For example, you might have trouble making attachments with people. So you set to work on that – only to discover in the process that you can’t set limits with others. And this inability, in turn, causes you to avoid people instead of confronting them. Your isolation consequently increases.

What heals ABCs is God’s love through His church and His Spirit. When individuals have been hurt, they need the love of other believers. The grace of God is seen in our loving one another. In understanding the developmental needs of ABCs, hopefully the Chinese church can help heal the hurts and give love to the ABC part of the church family.

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